In deliberate disregard of the occassion...

It shouldn't have been today, and yet, in light of conversations with my mother and comments by my teachers, it is ironically appropriate. I have been myself - to be more specific a particularly conflicted version of myself that I consider bordering on tragic heroism. And no, I have not done any of the dozen or so things that I could have done and doing been doomed to further failure. *steps back and considers the cryptic nature of this post* *decides that clarity and communication are overrated* *returns to stream of consciousness' equivalent of cataracts* And these are the times when I laugh at myself out of pity. It really is pathetic that I should have wallowed in this for so long... even if so long was only a day, and not even an entire day at that. Why did I? It has to do with Phantom of the Opera and the Velveteen Rabbit and all that I keep hoping and fearing. And I know that nothings changed except my ability to look back and see that nothing has changed... It's all there. The feelings, longings, fears, and yes, failings - that got me here. And it feels like this is only a brief pause, that as soon as the ceasefire is over, hostilities, nay, open warfare will resume - just as it was, only worse for having been repeated. And no one deserves that... no one is so miserably horrible as to deserve that... and at the same time no one is so insanely wonderful as to remove the sting of it, well, almost no one. And so my thoughts return to The Phantom of the Opera, and the song "all I ask of you," the song that I've had running through my head for several days and will probably find occassion to listen to before too much time has passed. "love me, that's all I ask of you" and I am not there... I cannot answer my own challenges. I am not what I should be... I don't know how to explain it. One who sees and adores beauty, and yet is profoundly incapable on two counts... the first, being beautiful, and the second, *looks for words that aren't there* *tilts head to side* allowing beauty in others?